I haven’t written in a while. Sometime over winter break, I began reading self help books, mainly those written by Rachel Hollis. You know the ones: Girl, Wash Your Face and Girl, Stop Apologizing. And at some point in the reading of these two books about empowerment and success, I decided that I just wasn’t good enough. I decided that the only way to become successful was to follow in the footsteps of Rachel Hollis and start my own lifestyle blog. So, I started writing about something I consider myself really good at- planning and organizing. I wrote 10-15 posts, and I did enjoy writing them, but in the process I caught myself doing it to check it off a list. I didn’t care about the topics. I was just good at it. Organization and planning come out of trying to mitigate anxiety for me. If I plan everything, I can’t possibly be surprised by unknowns, right? Wrong. As the monotony of the blogging grew, I began to realize that this blog, Focused, was getting literally hundreds more reads than the planning and organization blog. So I asked the question: Why?
And here is the conclusion I came to. I didn’t care about it, so why should you. The reader can feel the automaton writing as much as the writer. The Focused blog (this blog) was all about being real and authentic and just sharing the wandering of my rather odd mind. It was about ideas and deep stuff. It was REAL. On top of that, I enjoyed writing posts for this blog so much more than the other. It may not offer practical real life tips to improve your everyday life, but it goes deep. It searches souls. It allows me to wander through the endless recesses of my mind.
Since my last post here, I have been on a massive journey of self discovery. I have discovered the Enneagram, which has led me to so many realizations about myself and why I do the things I do-why I feel the way I feel- and how to love my husband on such a deeper level knowing each other more fully.
I have gone to therapy. I have cried. I have reconciled old friendships. I have started new ones. I have graduated college, been hired as a teacher, and had to come head to head with the reality that I don’t have my safe place any more. I have had anxiety attacks over what COVID has done to our world. And the moment that dust started to settle, the protests started. The world seems to be falling apart all around us. How is an anxiety-induced planner supposed to plan around this unpredictable world?!?! I didn’t. I fell into negative habits and procrastinated and fell into a little bit of a depression. I thought back to how great this year started and the hopes I had for 2020, and I just sank into absolute despair. Sure, I looked fine on the outside, but I was a mess on the inside.
More than that though, I was forced to venture into myself to discover the things that made me anxious in the first place. I had no more distractions. I graduated- no more schoolwork. I was hired by a fabulous school in pretty much a dream position- no more sending out resumes and thinking about interviews. I literally had nothing to plan because we couldn’t go anywhere. I couldn’t avoid the time to think anymore. I normally avoid slowing down long enough to think because getting trapped in my head is a BAD place for me. There is no one on this planet more toxic for me than me.
But I couldn’t ignore it anymore- the inner critic. There was nowhere to go, nothing to do. So, I decided I would deal with it. How? I didn’t know. I’m still in that process, confronting my demons one at a time as they come up. I’m talking to people. I asking myself the really hard questions. One of those was, “Why do you give up on the path you’re walking so easily?” I do. I look at someone who embodies a portion of who I want to be and I just start following them. I started a blog on planning and organization because that is how Rachel Hollis got started. I tried (fill in the blank) fitness routine and diet because that’s what Lea Michele does. I made a list of the things I have taken onto my own path because I saw them on someone else’s path, and they were successful. And then I cried, because the whole time I heard the song, “Who I’m meant to be” playing in the back of my head. The chorus of the song goes like this: “ I don’t want to spend my life trying to fight for what’s not mine. I don’t want to lose myself in someone else’s dream. I know I was made with a purpose- to reach past the surface and live life fearlessly. I want nothing less than to be who I’m meant to be.”
Here’s my conclusion today:
I am me. And that’s not just okay. That’s how it’s supposed to be. If I’m not me, then who else in this world will be me? Who will make the impact on the specific lives I am meant to impact? Who else in the whole world is more qualified to be me than me? I was made with a specific purpose and design that only I can fulfill, and every time I jump off my path for something on someone else’s path, I build a mountain in front of myself. I take 10 times as long to get there. I make my journey that much more miserable. When I crave to be anyone but me, I break the heart of the one who made me to do what I was made to do. And then I feel terrible because I’m not living up to MY potential. See that’s the thing- it’s not about living up to some random person’s standard of your potential. It’s about living to the fullest purpose given to YOU by your Creator. It’s about becoming NOTHING LESS than who you were meant to be.
Until next time,
Mrs. Ashley Seguin
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